Megan’s Awesome List of Awesome Films: Countdown (30-21)

Firstly, I am so, so, genuinely sorry for this delay. I have been so busy over Easter and with University deadlines encroaching I have had little time to write for my blog, this upsets me.

However, here it is, day 3 of my count down and possibly my most sophisticated film blog so far. Enjoy

Number 30:

The Servant
Directed by: Joseph Losey
(1963)

Interesting film which is brilliantly scripted by Harold Pinter. It is the writing of this script which is the key. The ambiguity of phatic discourse within the script itself is confusing and catches us off guard, keeping the audience on their toes. A very clever film, look at how interestingly it is framed – keep an eye out for triangle imagery.

Number 29:

The Hangover
Directed by: Todd Phillips

(2009)

I doubt there is much to say about this film. We’ve all seen it. Incredibly funny and possibly something we can all relate to in a slightly less extreme way. This is my feel-good-film. If I’m feeling down, I know I can watch this and I will feel 10 times better. The performances in Hangover are so memorable, and Bradley Cooper is HAWT.

Number 28:

Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Directed by: John Cameron Mitchell
(2001)

This one is a film that is part of the queer theory movement. There is something slightly disturbing about this film. It is a rock musical in a way, and at points it even becomes a slight comedy…but it is about a man who dresses as a woman and who during a confusing string of relationships ends up having his “manhood” removed. By the end all I can really say is that this film will have looked into and challenged but also confused your concept on sexuality and gender categories – a must see. However, something tells me that women will enjoy this film more than males will…just a thought.

Number 27:

Gladiator
Directed by: Ridley Scott
(2000)

Possibly my undying love for Russell Crowe helps me enjoy this film that little bit more. However, for me, this is a film that highlights the beginning of my love for film. I watched it for the first time when I was around the age of 11or 12 and I was inexplicably mesmerized by the narrative, by the way that it hadn’t ended as happily ever after as I had come to expect films to do. I was also captivated by its beautiful, golden and crisp cinematography. When I went in to study film studies at the age of 16 this was the first film I studied and the one I went on to write my first piece of coursework in. Consequently, this was my first ever A in film studies and provided the inspiration that led me on to study film at university. This film will always hold a special place in my heart and is beautifully constructed. For me, this is also one of Hans Zimmer’s finest scores.

Number 26:

Henry Fool
Directed by: Hal Hartley
(1997)

The main character is a garbage man, Simon, whose life is turned upside down by a mysterious ex-convict (Henry Fool). The man tells Simon stories that never really seem to add up and often end up not being as true as Simon believes. Under Henry’s influence Simon experiments in poetry which becomes controversially famous. We watch Simon turn into a success whilst Henry stands proudly in the background…but soon the truth is revealed and Henry is not so proud or as big as Simon had thought.

Number 25:

The Birds
Directed by: Alfred Hitchcock
(1963)

The first thing I noticed about this film is the lack of music. I had watched Vertigo and Psycho before I had seen The Birds and so had come to expect a Bernard Herman score to accompany another of Hitchcock’s films. However, other than the eerie children’s singing in one of the most frightening sequences there is no other music. This film is terrifically frightening and leaves the audience wondering why the birds are attacking… you’ll never look at a crow or seagull in the same way.

Number 24:

The Night of the Hunter
Directed by: Charles Laughton
(1955)

One of my favourite film noirs. If you haven’t seen this film, have you ever heard of that thing when a man writes ‘Love’ across one of his hands and ‘hate’ on his other hands’ knuckles? Yes? I thought you might have done. Well that came from this film. The main character saunters into an innocent family’s life, marries the mother and corrupts her in order to pursue her fleeing children for a sum of money the little girl is innocently storing in her ragdoll. It is frightening and gripping.

Number 23:

Vertigo
Directed by: Alfred Hitchcock
(1958)

Back to old Hitchcock again, as you can tell I am a huge fan. However, one of the reasons Vertigo is higher up than The Birds is because I could literally watch this film straight away again after finishing it. The ending is thrilling, the storyline is puzzling and the cinematography combined with star performances from Kim Novak and James Stewart are mesmerizing. I love this film and I’m currently considering moving it up on my list. This is, without a doubt, one of Hitchcock’s finest films.

Number 22:

Double Indemnity
Directed by: Billy Wilder
(1944)

Ooooohhhh, my first ever film noir. Phyllis Dietrichson is the foxiest femme fatale of all time. She is the blackest of all black widows. It is a definite must see and for me is the noirest of all film noirs. This was  a terrible review really wasn’t it? I am sorry. However, this film is on Youtube.com so I don’t feel there is much reason for me to tell you much more, if you’re a true fan of Billy Wilder of the film noir movement you will log in right now and watch it. This is enough to put you off ever trying to con your insurance company out of money

 

Number 21:

Brighton Rock
Directed by: John Boulting
(1947)

Brighton Rock is the god father of all crime films.

It isn’t like the crime films we get today, it isn’t glamourized and full of Hollywood quips. Brighton is run down, gritty and honest. We get a fairly bleak view of organized crime in the 1930s. The innocent and love struck Daisy is sucked into a corrupting society, where ever the lawyer, Prewitt, is as twisted as the criminals he works for.

Megan’s List of Awesome Films: COUNTDOWN (40-31)

Ahh Day 2 of the top 50 films.

Are you ready? Things are about to get a whole lot more interesting…… here come the next 10 films I think you shouldn’t miss.

Number 40:

Super-Size Me
Directed by: Morgan Spurlock
(2004)

For me, Morgan Spurlock really brought back the documentary. This film made over $10 million in the box office and he deserved it! Morgan Spurlock shows true dedication for the forgotten genre. For a month straight all this poor man does, is eat McDonalds. Breakfast, lunch and dinner – all Maccie D’s. Then he documents his diminishing health, just to ram home to us how bad for you the fast food industry is. If that isn’t showing care and concern for the country I don’t know what is! If you want to be put off McDonalds watch this. If you want to watch a man suffer from eating McDonalds, watch this. In fact, just watch it. Okay?

Number 39:

Umberto D.
Directed by: Vittorio De Sica
(1952)

The second of De Sica’s neorealist films. Although Umberto isn’t as good a protagonist as Antonio in De Sica’s first film, The Bicycle Thieves, I still love this film. Neorealism is a cruel movement. I can’t really explain it to you without giving the plot away, but all I can say is it really depicts the truth and depression of post-war Italy.

Oh and the Dog is really cute

Number 38:

Un Chien Andalou
Directed by: Luis Bunuel
(1929)

What a weird film. Do you want to watch it now I’ve said that? It’s on Youtube.com. You have no reason to not give it 5 seconds. In fact, if you watch the opening sequence you WILL see the Best/worst bit of the film and after that you’ll be trapped for the remaining 15 minutes or so. Warning: this film isn’t for the squeamish.

Number 37:

The Tree of Wooden Clogs
Directed by: Ermanno Olmi
(1978)

A beautifully, slow paced film. It’s kind of a documentary, but at the same time, it isn’t because they’re all actors. And, there is a slight sense of story. . . it’s almost as if we’ve been transported back in time to the beginning of the century on an Italian farm. Another warning should be posted for the squeamish as there is quite a few deaths of real live animals. . . well they’re not alive anymore… poor things. Some people call this ‘the most boring film ever made,’ I think if you’re going to call it that then you haven’t watched it properly.

Number 36:

Tombstone
Directed by: George P. Cosmatos
(1993)

Ok, so this isn’t the most famous western ever made but it’s my favourite. Probably because I kind of fancy Val Kilmer when he was at his peak… However, putting Val Kilmer’s beauty aside, Tombstone still stands out as one of the most iconic Western of all time. It typifies it’s genre as well as being brilliantly written, “I’ve got two guns, one for the each of ya.” – you need to watch the film now just to get the joke !

hot….

Number 35:

Trust
Directed by: Hal Hartley
(1990)

This film is what introduced the genius director Hal Hartley to me. I can’t quite describe it. In some ways, it’s kind of dark… in other ways it’s a story of romance. Not quite true love. It’s definitely about trust… Some beautifully characterized people come to life right before you and the wonderful colours and slight twists pull the audience into this beautifully told story.

Number 34:

Thelma and Louise
Directed by: Ridley Scott

(1991)

I didn’t know Ridley Scott directed this film until now. I have a new found respect for Ridley. I kind of like to shout “girl power” during this film. For once we have a film that is about women. Women, women, women. We love women. Power to the women. I just feel empowered watching this film… in a way, but not for long… it frustrates me because if this film had been about men I guarantee they’d have got away and lived happily ever after with sexy model wives. Oh well. Us women are grounded and… uh… aren’t afraid of death. Hell no! We face it, we hold each other’s hand and say ‘go on’ and accelerate towards it, just like Thelma and Louise did.

Number 33:

24 Hour Party People
Directed by: Michael Winterbottom
(2002)

This is a very clever film. I literally just watched it… and I’m in awe of its technological intelligence. I really am. I feel slightly confused as to whether I just watched a film from 2002 or from the 70s. High five to Michael Winterbottom. (hehe). Basically, what they do is, make Tony Wilson (Steve Coogan) and his gang look like they were there at the time of real bands from the 70s etc, by combining insert footage of gigs at the time and constructing a setting that mimicked what we see in the insert footage… it’s so hard to explain, please just promise me you’ll watch this one.

Number 32:

A Clockwork Orange
Directed by: Stanley Kubrick

(1991)

It took me 3 attempts to watch this. First time round I saw the rape scene, cringed myself into an oblivion and turned it off. The second time I got up to the bit when they’re breaking into the woman’s house, all the phallic statues and god knows what else had me creeped out and I found myself turning it off and putting in a rom-com to calm my nerves. However, on my final attempt I got all the way through and I must say, despite its dark and twisted storyline, Kubrick has portrayed it as it is meant to be portrayed with his own disturbing touch as an added bonus.

Number 31:

The Future
Directed by: Miranda July
(2011)

I hadn’t been to the cinema in a long time in November so I thought I’d go to my local Arts Picture House and see what was on. I knew I had enjoyed some of Miranda July’s short stories so when I saw she had another film out I knew I had to see it. The characters are the most memorable and lovable. The storyline is artistic, clever and gripping. I even nearly found myself crying – ah I am a hopeless romantic though. In the beginning it seems like a straight forward film about a slightly odd couple, except, one key difference: it’s narrated by a cat… and then about half way through things suddenly take a…in search of a better word, magical twist. There is a lot of skipping back and forth in time and the moon even learns to talk! A must see. Miranda July never lets ya down!

Megan’s list of awesome films: COUNTDOWN (41-50)

The cinematic world is one that is both inspirational and awe-inspiring. Films are, much like books, one of those things I wish I could experience all of. However, other than the same old ones that come out repeatedly at the Cinema how are we supposed to know which are the good ones and which we can afford to skip out in our short lives?  Well, I suppose one way is word-of-mouth. If I tell you my favourite films, perhaps you’ll be inspired to go and take a look at a few yourself. These first 10 films (the bottom of my top 50) are all films that have influenced my own film making, writing and on a simpler level, just my lifestyle.

I urge you, as much as I can through the simplistic world that is blogging, to take a look at them. They’re so different and magical all in their own way. Some of them you won’t have heard of, but then I can’t help but think …. what is the point of all these wonderful people making such interesting films when nobody is going to know about them or be encouraged to watch them.

Well… I hope something catches your eye! Enjoy the films! Starting at number 50 on Megan’s list of awesome films.

Number 50:
Mary Poppins

Directed by: Robert Stevenson

(1964)

Perhaps this is more for nostalgic reasons, but there is something beautifully magical about this film. The colours are simply glorious and the imagination that Stevenson must have had to produce such a visually pleasing masterpiece is astounding. As an adult I am grateful to him for bringing such a lovely story to life in the most beautiful way possible. I will never forget the lyrics to ‘Let’s go fly a Kite’ and will forever wish that the horses on a carousel could come alive.

Number 49:
Bridesmaids
Directed by: Paul Feig
(2011)
Let’s take a dramatic leap into the future now for one of the biggest comedies of last year. Supposedly as good as the epic ‘Hangover,’ Bridesmaids had a lot to live up to, and you know what? I think it did. It had a touching storyline with enough backstory to bring the characters to life. It isn’t just a chick-flick I promise you that. It’s amusing and it gives me hope that comedy isn’t a man’s genre. Women don’t just belong in the kitchen; we can rock the comedy just as good as the next man.

Number 48:
The Shining
Directed by: Stanley Kubrick
(1980)
Truly horrifying. If you haven’t watched this film – then do. If you like Jack Nicholson, you have let him down by not seeing this. In fact, if you like Jack Nicholson and haven’t yet seen this film, you don’t like Jack Nicholson. I assure you that this film is one of the most iconic horrors of all time and Kubrick was definitely the man to do it. He didn’t hold back on the creepy-factor.

Number 47:
The Parole Officer
Directed by: John Duigan
(2001)
Back to the comedy genre again. I fear that right now you’re thinking ‘this girl does not know good films.’ I assure you it gets better…I hope. This is the bottom of my top 50 do remember that. But The Parole Officer is definitely my favourite, modern British comedy and resorted my faith in the British comedians of today. Steve Coogan – what a babe.

Number 46:
Back to the Future
Directed by: Robert Zemeckis
(1985)
The ultimate film! Is it a sci-fi? Is it a comedy? Is it a musical? It’s all these things and so much more! Such an imaginative film that blows the mind of the audience. This is one of those films that I hope will be entertaining the family for generations to come. This film should never be forgotten. The characters are entertaining and beautifully created. I feel like they’re part of my family, my crazy Uncle Doc. and my annoying little brother Marty McFly.

Number 45:
True Grit
Directed by: The Coen Brothers
(2010)
Just as I thought westerns were beginning to die out a little The Coen brothers bring out this beauty. I saw it in an advert in the cinema and immediately turned to my best friend and whispered ‘we need to see that.’ That’s always a good sign for any film in my eyes. It is heartbreaking, tear jerking (if you like horses) and kind of creepy, thanks to the perverse character of Matt Damon.  However, on the whole, a true western. And I’m glad to see one back in the cinemas taking the country by storm.

Number 44:
Meshes of the Afternoon
Directed by: Maya Derren
(1943)

Before you read anymore, go onto Youtube.com and type this film in…watch it…no…watch it! Don’t try to pretend you have!
…

Have you watched it? Good. Now we can continue… the first question on your mind is probably: WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? And if it is any consolation at all, I am still pondering over that film. I can’t quite explain how this happens but every time I watch that film it gets weirder and weirder. However, we mustn’t forget to thank Maya Derren for bringing the Avant Guarde film to the surface and making it well known. It is a genre that shouldn’t be discarded. Film is art and art is film.

Number 43:
Sherlock Jr.
Directed by: Buster Keaton
(1924)
As you’ve noticed I am a huge fan of comedy and I don’t think we should ever forget the kings of comedy. If you haven’t experienced a piece from Buster Keaton or Charlie Chaplin do it now. Sherlock Jr. is also on Youtube.com so you have absolutely no reason to not give it a chance!! And this is one of his finer films. In fact, it was in this film he did his own stunts and horrifically managed to break his own neck during one – he didn’t even realize! What a legend!

On a more intellectual note this is a film that is iconic in the world of cinema, it addresses that age-old question of ‘what is spectatorship and what is cinema?’

Number 42:

The Help
Directed by: Tate Taylor
(2011)
Emma Stone plays a journalist trying to make it in Mississippi in the 60s. However, there is a slight twist when the story turns and becomes a story, not about the journalist, but about the black house maids that feature in the background. Soon their stories come to life and you are taken on an emotional roller coaster through a horribly chauvinistic and racist society. P.s. get your hankies at the ready ladies!!

Number 41:
Stand By Me
Directed by: Rob Reiner
(1986)
This is the ultimate coming of age film. Nuff Said.

stay tuned for 31-40 of my top awesome films, coming soon!

Peace out, Meg

“Imperfection is beauty….

“Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genius. It is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring …and when it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I’m already better than them.” – Marilyn Monroe

This is a follow up from my anti-bullying blog a few weeks ago. Remember to keep yourself the Hero of your story. The main event! The key character!

Never stop believing in yourself. For more information on self-help and becoming the Hero of your own story see: leightonherdson.wordpress.com

Hey, Remember that time?

Do you ever have those weird and wild moments when you and your team do something so utterly mental you think ‘Why isn’t there a camera following us to make a TV show about us?’ or perhaps a more simple: ‘We should write this down!’

Well here are a few of those times Ellie & I have encountered:

 

Megan: do you remember the time you drank absinthe at 3 in the afternoon to do some artwork and I sat in the bed thinking about hares and trees.

Ellie: I love that. Remember the time we did shots then lay on the floor and listened to ‘de lime and de coconut’

Megan: I’m going to write a ‘Remember that time’ book right now. Hit me.

Ellie: ok…

1. The time we walked down the corridor in Halls in search of our own Little Green Bag
2. The time we got stalked by a Japanese man and very nearly raped. I was in a onesie in a night club so he asked me if I was ready to “roll straight into bed”
3. That time I stuck hole punch pieces to your face then we went clubbing.
4. That time we went to a screening of The Seventh Seal and it sent everyone in the room to sleep.

Megan: I remember a really good one, that time we ran across Parker’s Piece on the way to Revolution singing like Red Indians, then you hit your mouth so hard you split your lip. No more Red Indian wooping for us.

Ellie: yes!

And the time we heard somebody stroking my duvet but it was neither of us.

Megan: Well, if we’re on the subject of paranormal activity… there was that time we watched Most Haunted for 5 days straight. By the end of it I asked a ghost in my room to knock twice, when it actually did it we got so scared (thus screaming) that I got a noise complaint!

Ellie: there was that other time when all we watched were Quentin Tarrantino films all weekend? And the other time when all we did was watch Alan Partridge! A-ha!

Megan: don’t forget the time we ate like Kings and tore apart a whole chicken between us, whilst drinking from our goblets!

Ellie: well, the time we purchased the blue goblets was a time of its own! Oxfam, 50p, blue plastic goblets – Ring of Fire resistant & you feel like a Queen during drinking games.

Megan: remember the time I wore Max’s hat and a guy stole it. Then when we hunted the guy down he said he wouldn’t give it back unless he got a kiss. Which you gave.

Ellie: Yes, then you ran over, took the hat, slapped him and we gallivanted back into the club.

Megan: We are reckless people sometimes aren’t we? Like the time I smashed Max’s plate in the kitchen by accident. He still brings that up.

Ellie: but, of course. Nothing will beat the recklessness of the time you drank wee.

Megan: we said we wouldn’t bring that up here?

Ellie: well… what’s done is done. Do you want to justify yourself?

Megan: Not particularly.

Ellie: people out there are going to think you leisurely drink wee now.

Megan: one time. Plus, despite the rumours, I did not swallow any. It touched my lips.

Ellie: ok, let’s move on. Remember the time we went to the cinema and snuck in ice cream with our own spoons.

Megan: of course, if I remember correctly, it was that same ice cream which broke my spoon?

Ellie: Oh yes.

Megan: and remember the time you really damaged your coccyx by sitting down in the shower straight onto a bottle of shampoo.

Ellie: that hurt.

Megan: then a few days later you tried to dance like Lady Gaga to ‘Telephone’ and damaged it some more. You still can’t sit down properly can you?

Ellie: not really. It’s a struggle. But, on a lighter note, remember the time we met SkyBlu from LMFAO coming out of a dodgy looking drug house at the side of Mill Road.

Megan: Mill Road has many a memory held on it? Remember the tramp that asked me if my legs were cold, I was drinking absinthe so shouted at him that my legs were quite alright thank you very much. If I’d been sober I’d have started crying. Apparently there’s a tramp on Mill Road that doesn’t have a tongue.

Ellie: don’t forget the time Max carried 12 Mountain Dew bottles on his head the whole way back down Mill Road.

Megan: or the party on Mill Road that we walked past and all the people were ‘wooing’ inside so we woo’d back from the sidewalk through the open window. Then they all went quiet and stared at us. There was an awkward moment of silence until they all suddenly threw their hands up in the air and ‘wooooped’ back even louder than before. Then they started shouting and asking for us to join.

Ellie: that was brilliant. Almost as brilliant as the harmony we had when we sang ‘Broken Strings’ all across Parker’s Piece. We did the whole song, didn’t we? You as James Morrison and me as Nelly Furtado.

Megan: That was fabulous.

Ellie: The man behind just thought we were fools I suspect.

Megan: Tuneful fools though?

Ellie: Remember the time we had too much pasta?

Megan: No?

Ellie: you don’t? We were rushed to hospital. Carbohydrate OD’ing is one of the most serious over doses you could suffer with. Gave me runny poop for weeks.

Megan: I’ve only been to hospital once and that was the time I fell over in a toilet in Revolution and split my chin open…my family still think that happened when I was sober and walking down the stairs in my house.

Ellie: Megan, we went to A&E with froth spewing out of our mouths and blood out of our ears. We definitely OD’d on pasta.

Megan: well then I lost my memory because of it. I must have blacked out.

Ellie: That’d make sense, you did try to fly out of the top floor kitchen. It was ironic as well after we told the surveyor that there was no way anyone in Swinhoe could fit through that window. Looks like you could.

Megan: I have no recollection of this.

Ellie: it’s probably for the best. Do you at least remember giving that poor boy in a club an erection just by kissing him?

Megan: how could I forget that? I was scarred for life.

Ellie: I’m not sure I believe you.

Megan: he pointed it out to me. As well as repeatedly telling me he had a boner. I’m not proud of it though, so let’s move on?

Ellie: ok.

Megan: the time…I lost my I.D…..twice.

Ellie: Ahh yes true, but we did learn something from losing the I.D. did we not?

Megan: that I’m an irresponsible, drunken wreck?

Ellie: No, that we’re such hard core partiers that the bouncers recognised us (despite only being in Cambridge for 3 months) that they’d let us in, free of I.D.

Megan: I think we both know that’s only because you flashed your knick nacks to one accidently.

Ellie: No! That’s one of them but the other one just saw me uncontrollably crying so gave me tissues.

Megan: Not sure why he didn’t kick you out. Even still, neither of those reasons for having your face known are particularly impressive or anything to be so proud of.

Ellie: I suppose not, but to everyone else it just looks like I’m really well known; they don’t need to know the embarrassing reasons do they? So let’s keep this between you and me, yeah?

Megan: it’s in the transcript now.

Ellie: well rub it out.

Megan: I don’t write in pencil Ellie, its biro all the way.

Ellie: …bitch. Was that man you gave an erection to from Cambridge University by the way? I just think we need to get that out there so all those pompous Cambridge folk can feel a cringe shudder down their spine when they realise that boy was one of their own.

Megan: yes, we had a fair few encounters with Cambridge boys did we not?

Ellie: oh yes. Like the time those three boys invited us to a Cambridge formal dinner.

Megan: hmm. And on finding out both of us were in relationships we never really heard from them again.

Ellie: they invited us out once.

Megan: I think after we declined them there, they de-invited us though.

Ellie: that’s true. Perhaps we should just pretend we went to the Cambridge formal dinner.

Megan: Ellie, biro transcript. No going back.

Ellie: oh the irony.

Megan: we are popular gals though.

Ellie: Sort of. At first. For a while. The photographer even recognised us as “those crazy freshers that went out every night!”

Megan: I suppose we peaked too soon. We were the party rockers of Cambridge town weren’t we? ( I like to think we still are ).

Ellie: perhaps. But even Lincoln still says we are, and always will be, his favourite freshers of all time. Suck on that N & T.

Megan: Remember when you thought N was pretty and I had to point out she had no lower eye lashes?

Ellie: yes once I saw that I couldn’t see her in the same way ever again.

Megan: remember when we realised those two copied our every move. Even down to being best friends and coming from the same town.

Ellie: How could I forget? They even copied the men we met and kissed, just a few days behind us.

Megan: even the uglier ones, like JP.

Ellie: didn’t that T one start going out with someone at the same time we met Simon & Christy too?

Megan: Yes, poor N though. Forever alone.

Ellie: she isn’t alone. She’s constantly in bed with someone.

Megan: yes, just never the same someone.

Ellie: remember the time we danced to LMFAO and learnt the words and everything?

Megan: you mean the legendary video that got us all over Cambridge. (I shall post the link at a later date).

Ellie: Remember the fights we got into…?

Megan: Well… haters gotta hate Ellie… Haters gotta hate.

Ellie: I remember a dear friend of mine, Nicki Minaj, once saying ‘haters you can kill yourselves.’ If memory serves correctly, Christy thought this was too powerful, but I think it fits in just perfectly. If they have a problem, which many people did with our erotic dancing, then they –

Megan: can I just interrupt.

Ellie: if you must.

Megan: the dancing was in no way erotic. It was humorous and Michael-taking. However, the public of Cambridge wasn’t ready, they didn’t understand and some thought, some crazed few, thought we were trying to be sexual.

Ellie: sounds like The Mighty Boosh, doesn’t it?

Megan: anyway, do go on, I rudely interrupted.

Ellie: well all I was going to say was that, those idiots can kill themselves because if they don’t I’ll beat them to it and kill them. It’s probably less humiliating if they did it themselves. You know?

Megan: are you trying to post a formal public warning?

Ellie: perhaps.

Megan: amazing.

Ellie: have you got enough room in the bed there Megan?

Megan: Yes, more than!

Ellie:….yeah thought so.

Megan: …oh. Shall I move up.

Ellie: please.

And just for those who didn’t realise, we always do our best writing snuggled up in a single bed together, eating digestives.

Megan: right, where are we then?

Ellie: not sure, I’m starting to run a little dry. What about that time the Jamaican man at the Cambridge Market sold us a Jerk Chicken Bun thing? He warned us of the perils of success and to always trust in “the man upstairs.”

Megan: of course, I have a sneaky suspicion that was God talking to us actually. Because, for no reason whatsoever, we felt compelled to go to Church that evening.

Ellie: Remember the time we went to church and the service only lasted 15 minutes and then everyone left. That was weird?

Megan: there are some odd churches around Cambridge. There was that one when the man came up and said that anyone who wasn’t Christian was held captive by the Devil and that we needed to save them…

Ellie: yes, he asked us to stand at bus stops and stop strangers to try and covert them…

Megan: something tells me we stumbled across a rather…strict church that morning.

Ellie: remember the day we explored Cambridge?

Megan: how could I forget?

Ellie: what did we call it?

Megan: Culture-day Sundays.

Ellie: that’s it. I suggest anybody who goes to university should really go out round their new city and really soak in the sun and culture. Wherever you go you have every excuse in the world to act like a tourist. Take pictures. They’re memories you’ll wish you could hold on to forever.

Megan: alright, don’t get deep.

Ellie: sorry, I think it’s because Billy Joel’s started playing on your laptop.

Megan: this is rather a sad song actually. Do you want me to put Led Zeppelin back on?

Ellie: please do. I think a tear has come to mine eye.

Megan: I know a good memory that will cheer you up. Remember the time we went to a Chinese take away and we walked in and it was really odd. There was a small bench, with about 5 small Chinese men all cramped on, legs crossed. Then just after we ordered the girl returned with bowls of Chinese for everyone. And they all sat there in silence, practically on top of each other eating from these bowls. We had to ask the woman to have it to take away, even though it was clearly a Chinese take away…

Ellie: yes, otherwise we’d be stuck on the bench of Chinese men eating our chicken balls.

Megan: and it was such a tiny shop. Do you remember there was that Chinese couple too, who had to stand up and eat. I don’t understand why they insisted on eating in, I’d much rather sit in the comfort of my own home.

Ellie: Perhaps they don’t have a home? They didn’t even exchange any form of conversation with any of the other Chinese people.

Megan: mentalists.

Ellie: still it must be truly good Chinese food if the Chinese themselves chose to eat there.

Megan: this is when we find out they were all Japanese eh?

Ellie: What would you have done if the Japanese rapist that followed us home from Revolution had been there?

Megan: I don’t think I’d really recognise him. Man, that guy was creepy.

Ellie: ok Meg, as you’ve written up most of this you leave the rest with me and it’ll be finished in days.

Megan: I know what that means…

*Ellie never did write anymore.*

The end.

 

Bullying Makes Me Sick.

Been there, done that, messed around

In life you get several types of people but if you’re like me then… I’m sorry. I genuinely am so very sorry. Now, you may be wondering how can I be like you? Well here is a checklist if you find yourself agreeing to any of the following then… you are definitely on the same page as me.
1. You’re marmite – loved or hated. And when I say hate, I’m not using that lightly.
2. No matter what you do, people can’t stop talking about you. Not always in a good way.
3. You’re sensitive. The minute something goes wrong for you, you struggle in getting over it.
4. “just ignore them” is the phrase most used in conversation to you, but you absolutely hate it because you and I both know it doesn’t work.
5. You are always in the polar extreme of any situation. Either splendiferously happy or melodramatically depressed.
6. You’re observant and quiet. A solitary creature that doesn’t even want to be where you are or doing what you have to do. You can spend hours just listening to your own thoughts.
7. Your mind is constantly, completely and utterly plagued. If you’re not panicking about one thing, you’re panicking about another. Just as one thing finally lets you go, another will take its place and you will continue to spend countless hours into the night not sleeping.
8. Jealousy is your weak point.
9. You’re calmer than your exterior gives off and you’re actually a very strong, independent individual.
10. You want people to pay for how they’ve acted, but you’re not going to be the one to finish it. As much as you’d like to have the fiery personality of someone like Hugh Grant and try to run over some of the paps that won’t leave you alone, you just don’t have it in you. You’re too much of a push over. Trouble ain’t your thing.
11. Why are you in trouble anyway? Well let me take a few guesses…
a. You’ve been having too much fun and somebody just had to put a stop to that.
b. You just don’t care what people think of you, so did something potentially embarrassing, people don’t understand a joke and now look at where we are.
c. The opposite gender sees you as a weaker character so they pick you off. Like vultures picking off the weakest in the pack – that is you. Perhaps all you did was reacting badly to a gross joke, or you got annoyed at something that’s been said about you.

Solution time:
If you are any of those things above, then you are like me. But, the time is nigh to accept ourselves. Yes, we clearly do suffer from paranoia, jealousy, low self-esteem and much more. But, not because of who we are, because of what some nasty immature people have made us.
Why are we the chosen few? Well there are several possible conclusions I’ve been able to draw from it. Ironically, the reasons are the same things they have made you into. Perhaps, they saw you and were jealous. Maybe everybody knew you and everybody liked you, therefore it was time to change that. Probably, they felt they had to edit you because they were paranoid about their own low self-esteem. It is true what they say about bullies and it will be the hardest part of your life if you are ever victimised. I know that. Ignoring them doesn’t work. Of course it doesn’t. They just try harder to get to you. Fighting back is giving them what they want. So what more can you do!?
Very little.
Except, flatter yourself. Take their extreme interest in you to mean they are just that infatuated by every little thing you do that they have to talk about it. Even if they are taking the Michael out of you for it, they’re still wasting their precious action-packed lives to discuss you and everything you do.
Another thing you can do is tell people. Talk about it. Boyfriend, Best friend, Girlfriend, Mother, Father, Sister, Brother – the lot. They will help. Yes, they will probably tell you all the things you don’t want to hear like “just ignore them, they’ll get bored.” And even if their advice sucks, you can still talk it through and you will feel better for it.
I’ve been nothing, if not impressed with the attitudes of some people that consider themselves adults in this day and life. Even in a city as beautiful as Cambridge I am coming across bigger jerks than jerk chicken, but what can you do?

Let them waste their lives. What goes around comes around.
Just be strong.

“Don’t cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won’t let you see the stars.”

Ever Wondered What Your Hand Writing Means?

My brother is an intelligent man. He is someone I have always looked up to and really admired. Recently, he has been reading into a lot of psychological things. After doing personality tests on me (in which I learnt my ideal lover was tall, dark, handsome, elegant and sexual) he asked to look into my hand writing. I gave him a notepad which I wrote a poem in yesterday.

The information he gave me he took from the following book:

“Sex Lies and Handwriting” by Michelle Dresbold and James Kwalwasser

and here is a sneak peak into some of the things he told me about myself from my own handwriting.

Initially, he spoke about my ‘I’s.

The first thing he noticed from my writing was that each time I wrote ‘I’ it seemed to change. Meaning, I do not know who I am, what I want to be or where I am in the world. I suppose, just highlighting my insecurity. But then, much like my brother suggested, what more could you expect from a hormonal, teenage female.  When I go to the point of the poem in which I started to focus on the more “sensitive” part (the part with the meaning behind it) my ‘I’s turned to hard, angled and 3 separate lines, due to my anger towards the subject.

Apparently, you can also distinguish your relationships you’ve had with your Mother & Father from the way you write your ‘I’ - In the book you also get to see how serial killers write theirs! All rather interesting stuff, definitely worth a read.

My ‘I’ was certainly representative of my relationship. There are two curves present, the top curve represents your relationship with your mother; which in my case was a perfectly normal curve (much like the fine relationship I have with my mother I suspect). The bottom curve represents my father’s relationship; which unusually, went in the opposite direction to how it should. The book suggested that this meant perhaps our relationship had changed. Which after a family disagreement I went from seeing my dad in a perfect light to seeing him in a flawed and less heroic way.

The fact my father’s curve was bigger than my mother’s technically suggests that my father is the more dominant figure. But, we also thought that this could insinuate that all my thought is going into what I want my father to do / be and what he isn’t. He isn’t the perfect father I want, he had a Willy Loman style tragic flaw that has lead to his downfall in the eyes of his six children, and we all see it.  I see him very much the same way I see Willy Loman in fact. Except, I suppose I can only hope he does not commit suicide and that my  life doesn’t turn in to ‘Death of a Salesman,’ mainly because it is a tragic story but it also bored me to death.

The next thing we looked at was my signature.

The size of your signature represents how bold you are as a person. The amounts of curves & angles, cross bars & strands  all say something about your attitude to working and so much more. The fact whether it is easy to decipher or not also conveys how  easy you are to read. The cross bars through A’s and H’s even portray your attitude towards death. This is all such interesting stuff that is really fun to find out about yourself.

A little gem of knowledge my brother also read in the book was about people who doodle, tend to draw eyes. I remember in school I often used to do this and apparently this is all down to the fact you are been watched & scrutinised by the higher authorities (teachers). People in the workplace also often doodle an eye.

I’m watching You

 

 

Oh! Before I forget, with Valentines Day coming up, here’s something you might want to bear in mind.

If you’re romantic valentines wrote your name really small, and his / hers own nice and big like… well he thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread and you. . . you ain’t so big.

might be best to get out of there whilst you still can.

Happy Valentines Day !

 

signed by:

boo yeah!

A Lovely Teddy Bear

We all have that special teddy bear that you cherish.

I thought I found a lovely one the other day at a friends house. Turns out it wasn’t the bear for me..

Its fuzzy fur and cosy cuddle
was made to keep a child warm.

It has two hard black eyes like onyx pebbles,
strays of fur and cotton tassels.

But there is something malodorous and potent
woven within every last fabric remnant.

Clumps of crusted coat are tarnished
from their gallant adventures to which it perished.

But, it was not until I gave it a squeeze,
That I realised, with much unease,
Perhaps this bear was not for me.

Its high pitched squeak and wail,
Its torn and chewed up tail,
its pelt, all worn and pale.

A squeaky toy for the dog to tear.
A squeaky toy that I thought was a teddy bear.
 

The Art of making Garlic Bread

hello everybody,

Today I experimented in something known as “Found Poetry.” For those that don’t know, “Found Poetry” is quite simply a poem that you found. It might be something you read on the back of public toilet, something you find in an instruction manual or even something you overhear in the airport over the speaker.

If it has a poetic ring to it and you can make it into a poem then you’ve just found your first poem.

 

This is a poem I found on the 3rd of December in a Student Recipe Cook Book – It may as well have been called cooking for idiots…

 

 

Carefully toast the bread, always on both sides,
get it to a golden brown, although that is down to preference.
Put it under a medium grill for the best result
If your grill is not medium – too short or tall, ask an adult.

 

Take 2-3 garlic cloves in your hands (not your feet),
have them peeled and halved and halved again.
Your warm bread should now be ready, toasted on both sides,
Take the garlic and rub the bread with even, skilful glides.

 

Put the bread on a plate, preferably a circular one,
and drizzle 8 tablespoons of olive oil over each slice.
Yes, it seems excessive but I’m a cook book and I have no fault,
For an extra kick sprinkle over a few pinches of salt.

 

Garlic bread is the perfect accompaniment for Italian things,
such as spaghetti Bolognese and lasagne (see page twenty)
Garlic bread is tough to master, it’s prep time is five.
This recipe serves two, depending on your loaf size.

Good Morning,

Good Morning,

Morning dew down the window pane,
Dragging my anchor out in vain.
Misty grog, red dawn, shepherd’s wise.
From stem to stern, as the crow flies.

Back to the circuit, like a goldfish,
Your repeating moves round the glass dish.
Come hell or high water, up to the top.
Ticking clock, will you ever stop?

This worlds gone adrift, I’m willing to leave;
A place that totally shipwrecked my dream.
Nights confusion swims in my head,
Coming to me, to drown me in bed.

Three sheets to the wind, full speed ahead,
I am a vessel in the water that’s dead.
All hands on deck, fly and flee.
Yo-ho Yo-ho – a pirate’s life for me.